Alter Ego

“What’s… wha…”

“Walking…” “video…”

“Look!”

Ny… Nyl… “Earth to Nyla!”, he bellowed.

The urgency in his voice seemed to bring her back, the past conversation fading into snippets of disconnected words.

“Did you see him walk?” Nathan pointed out to their son who’d just taken his first steps in the courtyard of their home. Nyla blinked, as though trying to come out of a trance. She looked down at her phone tightly clenched in her hand, her fingers white from the effort. Loosening her grip, she locked the screen over an Instagram page she didn’t remember she was stalking.

She looked at him in confusion and anger.

“Were you even listening?”

“I’m not deaf.” She stormed off, angry tears streaming down her beautiful face.

She rushed to her study, the only room in her house that she felt comfortable in. The house had a way of shrinking down on her sometimes, the walls would close in until she couldn’t breathe anymore.

Her study was minimalistic with just a laptop on a desk, a modest bookshelf and a comfy armchair by the window. Sunlight poured in through the window, illuminating a path of motionless dust. The coffee table held a forgotten cup of coffee and several books with bookmarks in them, partially read worlds that she wanted to get lost in. Reality was just too depressing a book.

The door creaked much to her annoyance. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” she yelled as she tore the door open. The little child looked up at her, eyes wide with a smile that instantly disarmed her. She stooped down to pick him up as he cooed against her.

“You know I can’t do this without you.” Nathan said quietly, leaning against the door frame.

“And I can’t do this with you.” She replied without skipping a beat, trying not to let the pain show in her voice.

“I love you.” He said, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

She remembered a point in time when her heart would flutter to hear him say that. Then the conversation they had had last week about separating after 5 years of marriage loomed in her mind. Things just didn’t feel the same for her anymore. It had started off all colourful and happy but now just had gaps like crevices in the ceiling. She felt like she was stretched too thin, sacrificing her career and dreams while he was too busy chasing his. She felt like she would never be enough, misplaced guilt seeping through her perfect facade and threatening her sanity. She’d tell herself that soulmates and true love were just lies that you’d say to yourself to not feel lonely in this world.

She suddenly felt claustrophobic and that old familiar feeling of drowning, spiralling into depression. There was a hand on her shoulder, breaking her stream of thoughts. The little one had fallen asleep in her arms. “Please give us a chance to make this right,” Nathan whispered.

“I’m sorry Nathan. There’s no us. I can’t be me and be around you at the same time.” She replied somehow feeling cathartic.

Nathan was crushed. He knew there was nothing he could say or do that would stop her from leaving. “Whatever you need”, He said.

That was a year ago.

***

“Excited, Nyla?” asked Maya.

“Ugh. More like a bunch of nerves. You’d think a year into this job, and I’d be better at this” Nyla replied quietly, typing away at her screen.

“How’s that home AI project coming along? Ready to beat Zuckerberg yet?” Maya teased.

“She’s going to be amazing,” Nyla said, pausing for a moment and smiling to herself.

She’d been working on an AI assistant in her downtime that would run her new apartment.

“Well, what’s she gonna do anyway, turn off the lights?” Maya teased.

“All you ever do is code, code, & code. You need to loosen up girl! Drinks tonight on me?” Maya said, flashing her brilliant smile.

“Oh, if I make it out alive after today’s project testing. The client should be here in a few hours. I’ll run it by you later, still got a few kinks to iron out.” she said, barely taking her eyes off the screen.

“Oooh, I like kinky.” Maya said with a wink.

“Get outta here!” She exclaimed, as Maya turned back to her cabin.

Maya was one of her colleagues at work who’d helped her settle in this new city where she’d found her dream job. Maya had also kept her relatively sane over the past year.

“Time is always against me”, she thought, as the next few hours went by quickly, sorting out bugs in the software. Her lunch was donuts and coffee that tasted like engine oil, but she enjoyed the privacy in the afternoon hours when everybody else was out for lunch. Her phone vibrated on the desk as Nathan’s text popped up on the screen. She set it down without looking at it, sighing heavily, only to notice a reflection of someone on the screen, standing right behind her.

“Woah!” Nyla exclaimed, jumping off her chair.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. I’m lost. Are you Nyla?”

“Hey, that’s fine. You must be Samantha? Nice to meet you.” Nyla extended her hand.

Samantha was beautiful. Something about her sweet smile, curled auburn hair hanging over her shoulders and the earnest look in her hazel green eyes made her look awe-inspiring.

“Have we met before?” Nyla asked, consciously wondering if she’d held on to their handshake for too long, a sense of Deja Vu dawning at the back of her mind.

“I don’t think we have. I just moved here last week and Jordan, who you were in touch with before, left the company a few weeks ago.” Samantha said, the smile never fading from her face.

They spent the next few hours discussing the project. It was late afternoon and with most of the details sorted out, Samantha stood up briefly to stretch, looking sheepishly at Nyla.

“Samantha, I’ve still got a few more things to cover. How about we get some coffee?” Nyla asked, wondering why she worried the answer would be a no.

“Coffee sounds good right now and please, call me Sam.”

The hues of the late afternoon sun in the sky were accented by a drizzle. The coffee shop was a little way from her office, and they’d decided to walk. Nyla loved this time of the day and from the look in her eyes, Sam did too, both walking in tandem in companionable silence.

“It’s such a beautiful city!” said Sam, the breeze gently lifting her hair behind her as they walked on the sidewalk. Little beads of rain had settled against her face, trickling down to her chin.

“What?” asked Sam, catching Nyla looking at her.

“Uh, nothing. Umm, we’re here.” pointing to the coffee shop across the street, the distinct smell of a blend of coffee and rain wafting towards them.

An hour of coffee and snacks later, Nyla finally closed her laptop with a satisfied grin. “So, enough shop talk?”, she said. “Oh, I was beginning to think that you’d never ask.” Sam said, her smile equal parts relieved and tired.  

The sun had set with the evening chill rising as a sense of hush settled over the once-busy street. The drizzle had gotten stronger, large drops of rain falling as they looked up at the sky. The petrichor engulfed them as they shared a smile. “It’s late. I’ll walk you home.” Nyla said, subconsciously not wanting this evening to end.

Halfway over, it started to pour, and Sam broke into a run. Nyla took her cue, both laughing as they ran across the street to the nearest bus shelter. Sam stopped short, the smell of her perfume trailing behind her. She looked up at the sky, raising her arms and welcoming the feeling, a childish grin on her face.

“I wish I could always feel this free.” Sam said, almost to herself.

“Me too.”, whispered Nyla, shivering a bit in the cold.

A few minutes later, they were drenched but joyfully walking over to Sam’s place. “I guess this is me.”, Sam said, gesturing at the front door of her apartment building. It was a quaint building, like in memory of its former glory. “Thanks so much for walking me and uh, for the nice evening. I had fun. You wanna come in and dry up?”. said Sam, the smile reflecting in her eyes.

“No, that’s fine. I should go. Happy Thanksgiving weekend! Let’s do this sometime again”, said Nyla.

Sam waved goodbye and then she was gone, disappearing into the corridor of the building as the door swung closed behind her. It suddenly felt cold as Nyla stood out there on the pavement, drenched and frazzled, giant buildings casting long shadows on the now mostly empty street.

It was late when she got home. She ordered herself some Chinese takeout, changed and picked up after herself and settled down on the couch in front of the TV with an elated sigh. “Living alone has its perks”, she thought to herself as she remembered her evening with Sam. Her phone vibrated from the coffee table beside her, breaking her reverie. Stretching her arm as much as her fetal position on the couch would allow her, she grabbed her phone to find a few missed calls from Nathan and a text from Sam.

“Hey!” Despite herself, Nyla broke into a wide smile.

They texted for a while, hashing out plans to meet sometime over the long weekend…

Nyla woke with a start to a strange & loud ringing sound, her phone warm against her chest. The world was out of joint as she pulled herself up from the couch, scrambling to reach the source of the commotion, wondering if a fire alarm had gone off in the apartment. As her sleep-addled mind cleared, she realized it was emanating from her desktop computer in her study. “Turn off Alarm,” she bellowed. Remembering Maya’s earlier jibe about her AI assistant, she asked, “How are you buddy?”, trying to remember when she had set an alarm in the first place. “I’m fine. How are you this afternoon Nyla?” said the assistant. Much to her surprise, she noticed it was almost 2 PM. She’d slept through the entire morning!

Almost second-guessing herself about the events of the previous night, she rushed to grab her phone. Sam’s last text was about meeting for lunch today. Nyla facepalmed, realizing it was too late. “Is it too late for a pick me up?” She texted with a grimace. “Umm yeah, it’s late. How about dinner? Meet me at 7?” Sam’s text came in a few minutes later.

The hours ticked away and before she knew it, she was standing in front of Sam’s apartment with butterflies in her stomach. “We’re just two friends getting dinner”, she told herself as she nervously fiddled with her jacket.

“Hi”, Sam smiled gleefully and waved as she got onto the pavement, closing the door behind her.

“Hey! So where are we going?” Nyla replied.

“You know the city better than I do. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Surprise me!”, said Sam with a twinkle in her eye.

Nyla released a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. She thumbed down a cab to take Sam to her favourite restaurant. They sat together in the back seat, watching the city as the cab zoomed past the crowded shops on the streets. The city always felt like home, especially in the winter. Warmth rose in her chest as she watched the kids run around and play, as elders bought street food, joking and laughing with their families.

“You’re blushing,” said Sam, breaking the silence.

Abashed, Nyla looked away.

“So how do you like it here so far?” Nyla replied, subtly trying to change the subject.

“It’s nice here, so full of life. Quiet in the evenings when you want it to be”, Sam’s eyes gleamed as she pondered.

The cab came to a stop in front of a nondescript building with a cosy restaurant. “Doesn’t look like much but it’s not crowded at this time, and I come here when I need a break and some comfort food,” said Nyla, worried that Sam didn’t like it.

“Hey, you kidding? I love it. Just the getaway I was looking for”. Sam assured.

After a few drinks and tucking into some delicious food, Sam said, “This is the best food I’ve had in a very long time. Reminds me of home.”

Nyla returned her smile. “So, where is home?”

“I grew up in Morocco, with Mom. She used to run a diner down the street. Some of the best comfort food I’ve ever had in my life. Her croissants were to die for.”

“Did you have any siblings?” Nyla asked.

“Always wanted a sister but we were alone, mom and I. Some of my best memories in life are with mom. Dad left us when I was Five.” Sam replied, a wistful look in her eyes.

“Oh. I… I’m sorry.” Nyla said, almost in a whisper, thinking about her son.

“I have a 2-year-old son,” Nyla said.

“We’re separated.”, Nyla said, subconsciously rubbing her finger where her ring used to be. As if on cue, her phone’s screen lit up with Nathan’s number.

Ignoring the call, Nyla continued. “All my life I’ve been doing what other people wanted me to do. Mom and dad wanted me to be the overachiever at school, straight A’s and the whole deal. It somehow stuck with me, was the best in my class in college, always chasing after the next best thing without enjoying what I had. I feared losing and rejection and I pressed on, till I got to the end and there was nothing.” She paused. Sam waited patiently for her to continue.

“Turns out, you can still fail in life. Fell in love & married my best friend of 10 years. Happiest days of my life.” Her eyes sparkled as she twirled the wine in her glass.

“Nothing felt the same after that. We moved away from home because of his job, leaving behind everything and everyone I had known all my life. I had given up my career & dreams of working in the software industry for him, lost those precious years of my career after college and had a baby”, she paused, smiling despite herself as she thought of her son’s face. “But nothing made me feel whole again.” Her voice and the dam of emotions within her, threatening to break. “I felt controlled like I was living someone else’s life and held on for as long as I could, until I realized I couldn’t anymore.”

Nyla fell silent, closing her eyes as tears streamed down her face… She felt a pair of arms around her and the smell of Sam’s familiar perfume engulfing her as sobs wracked her body. She sunk into the embrace, her chin perched perfectly against Sam’s strong shoulders, somehow draining the pain from the abyss of her heart. She didn’t want to let go, not having any memory of ever being hugged like this. But after a while, she straightened up. “I’m so sorry. I turned out to be such a damsel in distress.”, laughing through the remaining of her sobs.

“It’s alright, It’s alright. I’ve got you.”, Sam whispered, gently stroking her hair.

Nyla smiled back, looking slightly abashed. “Hey so, umm, let’s order dessert?”

The rest of the dinner went well as Sam shared stories about her childhood and growing up years.

“There’s a funfair nearby, do you wanna go check it out?” Nyla asked as they were walking down the street, a child’s excitement in her eyes.

They reached the fair to an overwhelming crowd and the smell of delicious street food in the air. “Just like home,” Sam said, almost to herself as she looked around, taking it all in.

“Owwww, you’re gonna pay for that girl,” Sam yelled, as Nyla rammed her bumper car into hers, a little while later. “Yeah, catch me if you can…” Nyla retorted, her competitive side showing as she laughed & expertly swerved away from Sam. Sam still caught up to her, only as the siren went off and the cars came to a powerless halt. “Boooooo” yelled Sam.  “Undisputed, yeaahhh!!!”, Nyla said, curling her biceps and following it with a victory dance as they got out of the cars.

“Yeah, saved by the bell, my little 3rd grader.” Sam called out.

Nyla looked like she was about to retort but then she turned around, “Cotton candy!!!” she yelped, rushing over to the counter to get the last one on sale.

“Hey, what gives? Doesn’t taste as good as it used to.” Sam asked as they shared what tasted like a watered-down cotton candy stick.

“Well, that is life. At least you have decent company.” Nyla replied with a toothy grin.

 “Hey, We have to get on that.” Sam pointed up at the giant Ferris wheel. “I’ve heard it gives you a new perspective to look at things.”

A few moments later they were screaming as the giant wheel went up in the sky in a blur of lights and speed. The wheel abruptly stopped, their rickety cabin rocking back and forth in mid-air as they stopped to let people in and out of the lower cabins. Nyla closed her eyes saying “Ohhh… I knew this was a bad idea. My mom warned me about people like you. They always lead you into trouble.” Sam laughed heartily, as Nyla opened one eye to look at the glee on her face.

“Hey, look at me. I’ve got you.” Sam held her hand out. Nyla took her hand, focussing only on Sam as the wheel started moving again. Nyla watched her smile, her eyes twinkling in the blur of lights as the wheel sped on. It felt like she was seeing another version of the fair, through Sam’s eyes. Her arms were strong as Nyla held on, like the only certain thing in her crazy topsy-turvy life. The wheel made another abrupt stop as the cabin hovered in mid-air.

“You were right about the Ferris wheel giving me a new perspective. I just realized how beautiful you are.” Nyla said.

“Hmm… Took you long enough.” Sam replied.

Nyla did not realize what was happening. She felt herself move closer as Sam’s eyes fluttered close, meeting her halfway in a tender kiss. Sam’s lips felt soft against hers as she tasted of cotton candy. They broke apart a moment later, unable to meet each other’s eyes.

“Sorry, I’m… I’ve… never kissed a girl before. It was weird. Was it weird?” Nyla asked, her heart beating against her chest like she’d just run a marathon.

“Me too. No, it wasn’t weird.” Sam said, her own pulse racing against Nyla’s as she held her hand.

A little while later, they were huddled together sharing Nyla’s jacket and walking hand in hand in the cold weather, to find a cab. It had started to snow as both were lost in thoughts in the back seat, the sounds and lights of the fair fading behind them as the cab sped towards home.

“Thanks for the night,” Nyla said as she lingered outside the cab, beside her apartment.

“Uh, you wanna come in for some wine?” She added as an afterthought.

Nyla’s apartment was cosy… “So, this is you,” Sam said, the softwood flooring soothing against her feet as she walked around the living room, looking at the framed photos on the mantlepiece. Nyla began opening a bottle of corked red wine as Sam helped get a fire started in the fireplace. As the fire began to crackle, Sam perched on the loveseat by the TV. She looked at a half-finished Christmas tree in the corner near an armchair, with a faraway look in her eyes.

Nyla sat beside Sam. “Hey, what’s going on up there?” she asked, handing her a glass.

Sam sighed, sipping a bit of wine and smiling. “I just remembered my last Christmas with Mom… Mom always hoped I’d take over the diner business someday. But I didn’t have the flair for cooking or even the business, like she did, no matter how hard I’d tried over the years. She’s gone through so much for me. She would say she’d been in the kitchen for too long.” Sam laughed.

Nyla held her hand, lacing her fingers with hers. “Sounds like she was an amazing woman.”

“Oh, she was. So are you,” whispered Sam, gently caressing her cheek.

Nyla leaned into her touch, savouring the moment, looking at Sam like she was seeing her for the first time that night. They kissed, tenderly at first and then passionately, their hearts raging up a storm. As the fire crackled on, they spent the night in the warmth of each other’s arms, kissing, caressing and losing themselves in each other…

Nyla woke up in bed with a start, finding herself in Sam’s arms, her head resting against her chest. She lay there for a while, listening to Sam’s calm breathing and the soothing sound of her heart filling her with warmth.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Sam said, stirring slowly.

“Good morning. Last night…” Nyla paused, averting her eyes.

“Was amazing. Thank you.”, Sam replied with a grin.

“We were on the couch?” Nyla recollected.

“Oh, we were all over the house.” She giggled as Nyla laughed. They got up to get dressed, kissing each other fondly.

Nyla was uncharacteristically quiet as she showered, got ready and came downstairs for breakfast, only replying to things that Sam asked.

“Is everything ok?” Sam asked as she was dressing up.

“Nathan’s been calling for weeks, apologizing for everything he’d done, telling me he’s changed and he can’t take care of our son without me. I’ve been ghosting him.”

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this. I don’t know if I can do this with you, Sam. I uh… I have to go back to my son.” Nyla said, her face guilt-ridden, lips trembling as her eyes filled up.

Sam took a deep breath, her hands stretched over Nyla’s shoulders, holding her close. “Hey, shhh…  I know…” she whispered, the familiar smell of her perfume calming her. They didn’t know how long they’d stayed there in each other’s embrace until there was a honk from outside the apartment.

The cab waited as they stepped out hand in hand, quietly on the sidewalk.

“So, there’s this thing. Mom never told me why dad left, even though I had asked her about it so many times over the years.” Sam paused. “She told me that it didn’t matter. Because she wanted him to follow his heart and she loved him enough to let him go.”   

They looked into each other’s eyes, an understanding passing between them. Sam hugged her for what she thought could be the last time, burying her face in the ruffles of her hair as tears escaped her. Nyla’s phone rang as Sam got into the back of the cab. “Maybe you should take that,” said Sam with a knowing smile… Nyla waved as the cab carried her away, disappearing around a turn.

Answering the call, Nyla agreed to come home for the holidays. She spent the day huddled on her couch watching TV and reminiscing her moments with Sam the previous night. Sam hadn’t responded to any of her texts, and she felt guilty for hurting her. She suddenly felt claustrophobic while a loud ringing noise rose in her ears. She somehow scrambled to her study, trying to get the AI assistant to turn off the alarm. It wouldn’t respond. Agonised, she pulled the plug on her computer, but the ringing did not stop. Realising something was amiss, she stumbled to her closet to search for her depression pills that she hadn’t been taking for a while. Popping a pill into her mouth, she slowly sat down on the bathroom floor, holding her head between her knees, as the sounds slowly began to subside. The rest of the day was a blur she couldn’t remember.

Nathan and their son arrived to pick her up early the next morning. Nathan had brought flowers for her. Maya had come too, to see off her best friend and patiently waited for the family to reconnect.

Maya held her tight for a few moments with a wistful look in her eyes. “This is for you. Come back soon,” handing her a greeting card in an envelope from her bag.

“Wow. They still make these? Nyla grinned, stashing the envelope in her tote bag, bringing Maya in for another tight hug. “I’ll look at it later, if I miss you,” she said, both laughing.

Nyla looked longingly around for Sam, as Nathan drove through the streets of this beautiful city she had gotten to know for a year. Returning home gave her a sense of belonging with the warmth of her son against her and Nathan doing everything he could to make her feel comfortable. For once in a really long time, she felt truly happy.

A week of working from her home office, she received an email from Sam about an online meeting to discuss the next stage of the project. Though it was official, Nyla was glad to hear from her.

“Hi, Nyla Navarro? I’m Samantha. Nice to finally meet you. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it for our meeting last week.” 

“S… Sam…antha…?” Nyla stuttered.  Nyla looked at the screen in confusion. This wasn’t Sam.

“Yes, Samantha Massey. We were supposed to meet last week at your office. I believe Jordan to have informed you before he left.”

“I’m sorry, is this a joke?” Perplexed, Nyla quickly opened Sam’s Instagram profile on her phone, to show it to the lady. The profile showed the photos of the Sam she knew, but the profile name said “Victoria”. She blinked in confusion, looking at the real Samantha on the video call in front of her. Reeling from shock, Nyla closed her eyes as she sunk back into the chair, holding onto the arms of the chair to steady herself.

“Uh, Is everything all right?” Samantha asked.

“Yeah, umm everything’s fine. I just got something mixed up.” She tried to smile, apologetically. “I’ll be right back.”

Hanging up the video call, Nyla stood up from her desk, already calling Sam on her phone. “Hey! Can’t get to you right now. Speak at the tone and I’ll call you back.”

She hung up, looking at the Instagram page still open on her phone. On impulse, she hit the call button on the page.

A few moments later, “Hey this is Victoria.”

Nyla listened, not recognizing her voice.

“Umm, Sam?”, said Nyla, her voice straining as she struggled to find words.

“Sorry, this is Victoria. Who’s this? I’m in the middle of something right now. Can I get back to you?” Victoria hung up coldly.

Realization dawned on Nyla. Victoria was the entrepreneur she’d always admired & envied. Forbes under 30, CEO of one of the biggest Tech companies in the industry and lives in Australia. “I’ve never met her before,” Nyla said to herself, breathless with palpitation, as she tried to make sense of whom she had been with last week.

She accidentally knocked down her open tote bag off the table, spilling its contents on the floor. She noticed the envelope from Maya that she had forgotten to read amidst all the events of the past week.

Quietly opening the envelope, she read, “Nyla, I’m glad you took the time to get to know yourself, as you have with me, this past year. Though it was short, I’ll always treasure these special moments we had this Thanksgiving. The city won’t feel the same without you and most of all, I’ll miss how you call me by my middle name. I will always love you. – Maya ‘Sam’ Harper…”