That Old Familiar Feeling…

She could feel the warmth of the setting sun against her back, along with the evening breeze lifting her hair behind her. It would engulf her, like the hug of a loved one, rising occasionally and again lost like a memory…

It was all here, in the dilapidated remains of what was once her high school campus. She’d been there in the courtyard too many times to remember now. Visions echoed around her, like spirits of herself and people she once knew. Breathing in the essence of the past, she could follow her trail of memories there, waiting to be opened and relived at will. She could see herself following her dorm friends on her first day of high school, clad in uniform and evading disciplining eyes of the nuns.

The classroom was hot, like all of hell was beneath it, steamy with windows bolted shut, held by hinges that no longer knew how to move… The rain outside made its way through the crevices in the oak ceiling, occasionally dripping on her face and making her smile, much to her teacher’s annoyance. “Out!” her teacher exclaimed. Standing in the corridor was a welcome punishment though. She could hear the rain roaring on outside of the campus, a little way from the classroom where the beautiful lilies grew. The breeze seemed to beckon her into the rain. In a few minutes, she was comfortably doused, her face a blend of emotions.

“Have we met before?” Someone said from behind her, causing her to flinch.

“Yeah.” She exhaled. “I mean no.” she uttered with an embarrassed laugh, hiding a hint of despair under her breath.

“Does that always work out for you?” She asked inquisitively.

“They call me Nathan. You are?” He asked, with a bashful smile as she hurried back to her classroom. They could be punished as girls and boys weren’t allowed to mingle within the campus, their classrooms placed at opposite sides of the block. He had seen her before, when she would rush to class late in the mornings or at times when he and his classmates would sneak up by her class to peak at the girls. He’d always find her with her forehead creased either in concentration or desperately trying to keep herself awake in class…

One evening, after a few slow days, she sat alone by the window of her classroom watching the mist rising beyond. Shadows shifted in the room, holding more darkness than light as the sun went down with practiced bravado. Vast stretches of bougainvillea adorned the boundaries of their campus, lost in the mist. She inched open the window with a lot of effort, the old hinges creaking loudly. The chill of the breeze took her by surprise, filling her with an instant elation, little rain drops emanating onto her face. The view outside was mesmerizing.

He stood beside her, silent enough not to scare her a second time. “It’s beautiful”, he whispered, trying to start a conversation. “You alright?” he asked, noticing her eyes well up for a moment, her cheeks flushed. “You shouldn’t be here!” she said in a half hushed voice, steam whooshing from her mouth. “You’re cold”, he said, removing his jacket and putting it over her frail shoulders. Her lips curved into half a smile. “Come on, I’ll walk you to your dorm or you’ll miss roll call.” He held her hand as they whizzed their way past the classrooms. “Quick! In here!” he said, dragging her into a classroom to avoid being caught by a teacher who had just exited the staffroom. “That was close!” she exhaled. Her heart seemed to beat louder than the footsteps in the corridor.

It could have been quite late; the shadows under the trees had gotten darker, the fog rising like garlands around them. The dorm was a little way from the school, past the woods and the pond mirroring the moon’s might. “This is my favorite” she said, finally being able to talk freely rather than whispering. She tossed a stone into the pond, the ripples reflecting her pretty face. He watched the twinkle in her beautiful eyes as she walked around smelling flowers, chuckling at the drooping touch-me-nots, having forgotten everything else. The path seemed to have ended too soon for him as he held her hand for a moment at the gate to her dorm. “I’ll see you.” She said as he waved at her, disappearing into the fog beyond.

They’d see each out of a corner of their eyes as they went by in their daily study routines, often exchanging just smiles, waves and shrugs across the corridors. One afternoon while she was attending her class, she heard a whisper from near the window that she had left open. Curious, she tilted her head to find Nate hiding there. Almost yelping, she stood up, garnering attention from their teacher.  The teacher saw Nathan before he could hide. He was caught and severely beat at the headmistress’s office. Having received suspension for 3 weeks, his parents were instructed that he stay out of the college premises for the entire time.

She felt guilty for having drawn everyone’s attention to him and having landed him in trouble. She couldn’t meet him before he left, to apologize either. “I think he is not coming back.” Her roommate said one Sunday, finding her lost in thoughts lying on her bed. “Why?” she asked, finding her voice hoarse. “Pops told me he knows Nate’s family. They feel disgraced and reckon that he join some other school.” “Oh! It’s my fault.” She exhaled, tears brimming in her beautiful eyes.

Weeks went by, ascertaining her that he would not return. She felt his presence linger, looking at her from across the corridor. But she would turn around only to see no one there. She found herself waiting in the classroom wondering if he would surprise her again. There was a creak from the window which jolted her in excitement as she ran to it. But it was just the wind, pulling tricks on her, her smile slowly fading from her face. She found a small piece of folded paper on the window sill, which was preventing the window from being closed entirely. She reached for it, finding her lost earring folded in with it.

“I guess this belongs to you. I wish I’d returned it sooner but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Keep smiling. You’re beautiful. ~Nate”.

She chuckled, almost muffled in a sob. She didn’t know whether he had sneaked up outside her class that day for this or he had come there recently. She decided to leave a note.

“Thanks. You alright? I heard about your parents’ decision. I’m so sorry I got you into trouble. Was just dazed seeing you at the window that day. Hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I still have your jacket. When can I see you again?”

Leaving the note at the window sill, she left the classroom, bubbly as ever, hoping in her heart that he would come to see her. She came back every day to look if there was a new note, only to find her own neatly folded one remaining there. Her heart sank with each passing day, not able to explain why she was feeling so. She felt friendless and lonely, as her peers complained about her being introverted, lulled into the ever painful daily routine.  She spent her late afternoons on weekends, walking the path from her dorm to the class, reliving those moments, sitting by the pond looking at her face in the ripples, weakly smiling to herself.

The Thanksgiving celebrations were impending. She found a note swapped for hers, placed exactly as she had. No one could see it unless they knew where to look. She eagerly picked it up and bolted to her dorm when the class got over, much to her peers’ surprise. Lying on her bed, she held the note at arms’ length. His messy handwriting made her smile.

“It wasn’t your fault. Things didn’t go well with mom. I had to choose between St. Agnes and not going to school at all. It’s a bit of a walk from there but come by your favorite place this weekend. I’ll find you.”

Her face lit up, calming her ever creased brows. A tear drop escaped her eyes, wetting a path as it was trailing down her face. There was a sudden barging of the door that made her almost jump out of the bed. “You’ve been crying?” her roomie asked, noticing her face almost instantly. She didn’t reply in a predicament about whether or not to tell her as she couldn’t justify why she would be crying over him…

It felt like a dream, the days to the weekend. It was like she found a part of herself that she never knew. The world felt beautiful around her. The flowers swayed beside her as she would merely tread beside them, their petals tickling her bare legs. The winter chill left due on the leaves in the morning…

“I knew you’d be here!” he said from behind her.

“Nate!” she exclaimed, grabbing him into an awkward hug.

“Ummm… Sorry.” She said, almost immediately letting go.

“How’s school?” he asked, a bit embarrassed.

“As usual! What about your new school?”

 “It’s really great, quite lenient too. Hey! We’ve been practicing for our little violin concert on Thanksgiving eve. Wanna watch us? You can get back before roll call.”

“Wow. Sure thing!” She said, bubbling with happiness.  

The school building looked fairly similar to theirs, but the decorations were up making it look merry. The dining hall seemed to be their makeshift auditorium. The stage was clad in vivid saffron curtains, lit under a huge chandelier, with benches placed for students seated with violins and cellos for the rehearsal. They welcomed her into their group, giving her the best seat, front row center. Nate started playing the intro, he seemed a bit rusty and out of practice but the escalating music echoed into her heart. The background notes soared as the others played in unison to a melancholy yet soothing tone. She closed her eyes, feeling her heartbeat slowdown in her chest and unknowingly swaying her head from side to side to the music.

He was leading her somewhere, holding her hand tight behind him and running up flights of stairs. She could hear him pant under the effort, the echo of her own throbbing heart threatening to break her rib cage. “I can’t lose you…” She heard him say. “Hey!” She heard a voice call her. There were tremors as if the ground under her was crumbling. She couldn’t hold on to Nathan anymore, her hands were too sweaty. She felt the tremors again like something was violently shaking her. She suddenly felt rain drops on her face. She wanted to open her eyes and embrace it…

Opening her eyes, she felt weak. Nate seemed exasperated, holding her in his arms and wiping sweat and water off her face in his napkin. His whole team surrounded them.

“Are you alright?” He asked her, helping her get to her feet.

“My head hurts a bit. What just happened?” She asked, trying to get back on her feet.

“We were almost drawing to a close when you just fell back from your chair. It was like you were in a nightmare, you were screaming and I was trying to shake you awake.” He said, concern written all over his face.

“Oh! I’m so sorry. I must have been tired after the walk. It was great music by the way.” She smiled ear to ear, still trying to catch her breath. “I think I should be getting back”, she added. She apologized to everyone for having ruined the practice. Nathan offered to walk her back to her school though she refused.

“So, are you going home for thanksgiving?” He asked, walking beside her.

“No!” she replied after a brief pause.

“You sure you’re okay?”

She remained silent. The only sound being the echo of their footsteps.

“You know, I think you should join us for the Thanksgiving eve celebrations, next Wednesday. Families are allowed so I’ll just tell them you’re family.” He smiled reassuringly.  

“Oh! I thought you’d never ask!” She said, her cheeks turning red. She felt a certain warmth around him, something she couldn’t explain. By the time they reached her school, they had already made a plan to sneak out for the celebrations… A week later, most of the students were leaving for home, except a few like her who had stayed back. She watched as merry families came to receive their girls. She felt the rise of the old familiar feeling of being lost, in her heart, but somehow it felt lighter now. She had something to look forward to…

He stood there by the pond like he had promised. He looked rather nervous in his suit, his bow tie a tad bit out of place. “Come on…” he said, extending his hand. She felt at home with him as they took jibes at each other, talking and laughing all the way to his school.

The winter chill couldn’t dampen the spirit of Thanksgiving eve celebrations. The school had been decorated with flyers, corridors with flowery garlands, graffiti and vivid chandeliers lit with colorful candles. She stood there for a few moments, breathing it all in. She watched the families with little children running around them, lost in their play. He gently held her hand through the crowd, tagging her along. He calmly seated her at a table at the far corner which was less crowded and where she could watch the fireworks.

He left for a few minutes as he and his friends brought them dinner. “Amazing”, she said, tasting the food as they sat down. “I’ve never seen so much food” she added with an afterthought, giggling. He watched her dreamy eyes as they talked; losing himself in them that she occasionally had to remind him to eat.

“I think we should go…” she said, wondering if she’d have missed roll call. Nathan stood up and kneeled beside her. “Will you dance with me?” She couldn’t hide the blush behind her smile, though she scarce knew dancing. He took her hand ever so gently, alongside couples dancing in the moonlight. She giggled while he showed her the steps, accidentally stepping on his toes. It had started to drizzle. He held her close with tenderness, the wet ruffles of her hair on his arms. “You’re so beautiful”, he whispered, looking deep into her eyes.

The public announcement blared over as the rain got stronger, declaring the end of the party. He pulled her by the arm, almost in a jolt, like in her vision. She lingered for a moment but then followed him to the courtyard. Glad to be separated from the crowd, they walked back peacefully, hand in hand in the rain, both ardent pluviophiles in nature. They by-passed the gate to her school and stood by the porch watching the bougainvillea and the undergrowth. The dim courtyard lights and lights from the building cast a distinct hue against the bougainvillea. She chuckled as they passed by her classroom window, remembering how he had been hiding there that day. “Shhh…” He said, suddenly pulling her behind a wall as they heard voices in the hall inside.

She almost laughed, seeing how nervous he was.

“Well, you were the one who had freaked-out seeing me outside a window.” He said in a hushed voice, pulling her to a darker spot in the courtyard.

“So who do you live with?” she asked after a brief period of silence, as the voices had faded.

“My dad, mom and little brother” He said, relieved.

“You?” he enquired.

“The orphanage is home for me.” She smiled, earnestly.

The beauty of the evening suddenly seemed lost on him, his eyes unable to meet hers. He put his arms around her, pulling her into a tight and warm embrace, burying his face into the ruffles of her hair. She could feel her throbbing heart against her bosom, years of painful memories emptying from her heavy heart. It felt like forever in a few moments, tears rolled down her cheeks, and down her pretty face, voiding onto his sturdy shoulders. She had no memory of ever being hugged or cared for so much, like this.  She didn’t want this moment to end, to ever let go. He looked into her dark brown eyes, holding her face tenderly in his palms and wiping away her tears. “I love you.” He whispered.  She didn’t know what to say. She seemed to lose her strength. It felt like she was only standing because he was holding her. She could feel the warmth on his breath against her face. They kissed, losing themselves in each other’s arms.

She woke with a start as she heard people yelling. She was lying on his lap in the courtyard. Nudging him awake, she urged him about people yelling. “I can’t hear anything”, he said, however he offered to take a look. The screaming seemed to be emanating from the dorm, smoke gushing from the windows on upper floors. “It’s a fire. People are still up there.” She yelped.  “You stay here!”  He ordered her. “I’m coming with you!” she retorted. They made their way in through the window in her classroom, rushing as fast as they could through the narrow smoke ridden corridors.

“Stairs!” he bellowed, holding her hand so tight that it hurt.

”I’ve seen this before.” She stopped in her tracks, choking.

“We can’t stop here, come on.” He pulled her, running up flights of stairs.

The screaming got louder as they broke down the door leading to the hall where a few students were trapped. The fire had eaten away most of the wooden pillars and the walls, causing the ceiling to cave in. “There’s still some people on the floor above” one of the students said. “Run! The whole building is coming down!” he bellowed at them as he turned to go up, urging her to get out of the building with them. “I can’t lose you.” He said, giving her a fleeting kiss, disappearing into a room ahead. She ran down a flight of stairs but turned back. She couldn’t leave him. Coughing and blinded by smoke she inched her way back up the stairs again. A stair tread gave away, sinking her leg into the plank and causing her to fall forward and injure her forehead.

“There’s nobody up here!” he exclaimed from a floor above her. She lay bleeding and unable to move, but she kept calling out to him. The floor above collapsed causing him to fall near the remainder of the staircase she was on. She lunged for him, catching him by his arm, wincing in pain under his weight. “I’m not letting you go” She said, but she could barely hold his weight. “Let go. You can change this!” he said, failing to climb up. The remainder of the ceiling collapsed on them and she remembered no more…

She felt pain all over her body, her arms and legs felt too heavy to move. She opened her eyes slowly to a blinding light; blinking several times as her eyes slid into focus. A sister touched her hand, serenely telling her that she was alright. “What happened?” She asked weakly. “There was a fire. But everything is alright.” She whispered reassuringly. She learnt in later days that she’d been in hospital in the aftermath of her burns and injuries for few weeks now. Nathan hadn’t made it. She had lost him, the only one who had ever meant anything to her in her life, to that fire…

The incident had shaken her for life. His parents and little brother had come to meet her, trying to find some closure for their loss. She felt responsible somehow for what had happened.  Years went by. She’d come back to their old dilapidated school building, the same day, every year, looking for him, in the remains. She would find him somewhere, in the embrace that had allured every inch of her body, in the courtyard where they first kissed with the rain dousing them, in the ashes of memories among papers strewn in what was left of her old classroom…

It was another thanksgiving eve. She had returned to the ruins again. She could feel the warmth of the setting sun against her back along with the evening breeze, lifting her hair behind her. It would engulf her, like his sweet embrace. The ruins felt like it had returned again to burning embers of that night. It felt like a bad replay of the past that she couldn’t shake.

“Nate!” she exclaimed as she could see it happen again. She followed him, determined to stop him from climbing those flights of stairs but she fell and hurt herself again instead. The floor above collapsed as he tried to make his way back to her. She lunged for him, merely catching him by his arm, screaming in pain. ”I can’t let you go!”  She said, in a firm sense of Déjà vu.

“Let go. You can change this!” He said, like always, before everything would go blank. Tears flooding her eyes and not willing to let him die alone, she heaved herself off the staircase to fall with him, holding him as close to her as possible and wishing it all to just end forever. They screamed in pain as they crashed to the ground, his weak arm holding her around her shoulder and her head resting against his chest. She weakly looked into his lifeless eyes, as she felt blood leaving her body. She inched herself forward, kissing him one last time. The rising smoke was the last she saw, before it all blurred and faded…

There was a gentle nudge on her hand. She came to, almost instantly wincing from a sharp pain in her forehead. The world was out of joint, the blinding light too painful for her eyes. There was a jolt as the train was slowing down, almost coming to a halt. He smiled at her, obviously amused by her dumbfoundedness. “I guess this is our stop. I realized, since you were wearing the same school uniform.”, he said to her gently, offering a handshake.

“Nate!” She pulled him into a hug for several moments, sobbing into his shoulder.

“Have we met before?” He asked her, perturbed, when she had finally let go off her torrid hug.

She looked into his eyes, weakly taking his hand as they stepped out of the train.

“By the way it’s Nathan, not Nate”, he said.

“Catherine” she said, smiling back at him, hiding the scar on her forehead under her hair…